


Can’t Let You Go

by Scented_Candles



Category: Free!
Genre: Clueless Makoto, Haru introspection, Haruka is a little shit, M/M, Possessive Nanase Haruka, Rei and Nagisa try to help but don't succeed, Sousuke finds it all hilarious as does Rin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-25
Updated: 2016-09-25
Packaged: 2018-08-17 05:20:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8131994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scented_Candles/pseuds/Scented_Candles
Summary: This is their life in Tokyo as students. It follows Haru’s inner monologue as he struggles to make himself become someone he thinks is worthy of Makoto, especially since there is a senpai at school who swims better than him and has his best friend's attention too.





	

Part One:

 

He hasn’t had enough sleep but Haru can’t seem to doze off. Beside him, Rin is sleeping with his earphones on. They are both on their way back to Japan after spending a couple of days in Australia. Rin and Makoto had shouldered the cost of his ticket.

_“He’s was worried about you,” Rin had said. “He really only wants the best for you, you know. You’re lucky you have someone like him.”_

Haru didn’t tell him about the fight he had with Makoto but wondered if Makoto himself had told Rin. Did Rin know? He hadn’t asked and Haruka wasn’t about to open up to him about it. He didn’t want to talk, not yet. He wanted to see Makoto first and tell him so many things – sorry, thank you, forgive me, don’t leave me behind.

Sometimes, Haruka wishes that Makoto was a little less nice, a little less kind, a little less giving. Then, maybe he wouldn’t feel so guilty. He gets it. He’s not the ideal friend and he does things sometimes that, in hindsight, he can’t help but wince over because shit, Makoto didn’t deserve that, but what can he do?

_“All you ever do is meddle with everyone! Stop sticking your nose into everyone else’s business!” he had yelled at Makoto, pushing him back in anger. “A dream? A future? Well, what about yours? Don’t decide other people’s futures when you haven’t decided on your own!”_

But he had.

Makoto was going to Tokyo.

Haru huffed as he felt that tightening in his chest again. He’d fought with Makoto. Makoto was going to Tokyo. He remembers the look on Makoto’s face, the hurt glimmer in his eyes, when Haruka had said all those awful things to him.

Haru thinks maybe he’s a bit messed up in the head.

He can’t really say what he means, not all the time. He hadn’t meant to hurt Makoto with his words. He hadn’t meant to hurt Makoto at all. But somehow, looking back, it seems that is all he’s ever really done. He’d seen Makoto go into the guidance councilor’s office a whole rather lot the last few months and he should have maybe asked about it – perhaps then Makoto would have told him about his plans earlier and he wouldn’t have been so blindsided – but he’d kept quiet and withdrawn because he’d been engrossed in agonizing over the idea of change and how everyone kept on forcing their own ideas of how his future should look like.

_Still, he should have given me a clue or talked to me about it. He didn’t even ask me what I thought. He just made the decision on his own._

He wonders if this is how Makoto had felt, when Haru himself had suddenly stopped swimming. After all, they had already built another relay team together hadn’t they? They’d promised to swim together.

_And then I just stopped… without telling him why. He’d just discovered that he swam not just because of me but because he loved it too and I stopped and he stopped with me._

Well, shit.

He’d expected a sort of confrontation actually, that night with the bonfire when he’d finally told the story of meeting with Rin, of Rin crying and Haru deciding never, ever to swim again. He’d expected Makoto to ask him something along the lines of – how come you never told me any of this? And yet Makoto had stayed silent and accepting and Haru had taken both gladly and they never spoke of it again.

There are instances when he wants to voice out his feelings, to explain himself, and he knows, knows in his mind exactly what he wants to say, but somehow the words, as it travels the path from his brain to his mouth, get warped and twisted up in all different directions that they end up choking him so all he can do is stand there and stare blankly (in mortification, really, most of the time), or look away in embarrassment.

He should have done those things that night, they would have been better than exploding and attacking his friend, but he’d gotten so fed up with every one telling him to choose, to dream, to change when he didn’t want to.

_“It’s because we love you,” Makoto had said. “I want you to find a dream for yourself.”_

It had been about Haruka in the end, hadn’t it? He is aware that a lot of what Makoto does is for him, because of him, and he’d always been grateful, even if he didn’t ever voice it. That one time he tried and succeeded he’d run away afterwards, gone for a run, because the light of joy shining in Makoto had blinded him and made his heart feel too small for his chest.

Makoto deserves better… but this doesn’t mean Haruka is willing to let him go.

One day, he figures Makoto will drift away from him, because all people eventually drift away from him, right? He knows he’s not the greatest at keeping communication lines open and he gets it. But he hadn’t expected it to happen so soon. When Makoto leaves for Tokyo, Haru knows he would lose his best friend. Perhaps not right away, but inevitably. That’s why when Makoto had told him that he was leaving for Tokyo, Haruka had panicked, had lashed out, had been so, so angry.

There are instances he wants to go back to, if he can. That night is one of them. He wants to correct them and do what he should have done for Makoto. He should have thanked him for caring and explained himself but instead he'd acted insane, yelled, and then like a coward had run away.

He wished he hadn't taken the dolphin keychain but given it to Makoto instead. They'd both reached for it after all but Makoto had been the one who was kind enough to curtail his desire and give Haru what he had wanted instead. Back then, Haru hadn't even thought of Makoto, just taken the dolphin like it was his due.

A little shit indeed.

Haru also wished he hadn't gone and left Makoto with their bikes back then. He wished he hadn't left Makoto to take home their bikes while Haru himself headed off to jog after Rin in a rare bout of competitive feeling.

He was an asshole kid, sometimes. He admits it to himself. There were so many moments he wishes he could fix and thinking about them sometimes keeps him up at night.

_“Still hanging out with these losers?” Rin had commented nastily, back when he’d still been a bitch and caught up in his angst._

Instead of keeping quiet, Haru should have spoken up then too, but he’d been too keyed up by Rin’s presence.  _“Makoto isn’t a loser,” he should have said. “If you can’t see that then you’re blind.”_

Haru eventually falls asleep on the plane and the next thing he knows, he’s being unceremoniously jostled awake by Rin who is telling him that they’ve landed. He blinks his dream away, of green eyes and a young boy struggling to carry two bicycles up the path to their neighboring houses. Makoto never told him off about that either. He thinks about those things as he gets his duffel bag and shuffles after Rin.

Haru almost wishes that Makoto isn’t there in the receiving area. He almost wishes Makoto wouldn’t welcome him, that Makoto would make him grovel and work for that forgiveness that he really doesn't deserve. He almost wishes those things, but he doesn't, because he really wants to see Makoto too.

Haru isn’t surprised when sure enough, Makoto is there waiting for them. He and Rin talk first but Haru can't really make out what they are saying because his brain is buzzing and all he can hear is white noise. He's hanging back a few paces after Rin, staring at Makoto who doesn't look like he's spent the past few days missing Haruka. This hurts, but then, then Makoto finally turns to him and he is smiling in welcome and holding out his hand. “Welcome home Haru-chan!” he says with a brilliant smile.

Shit.

That smile, that voice, those eyes, they jolt his body into action and he's bumping into Rin in his haste to stand in front of Makoto, wondering how exactly he was ever going to let this boy go. 

“Tadaima,” he replies quietly, accepting Makoto's hand.

The feeling of those strong fingers, that warm hand enveloping his own, feels like home.


End file.
